10 things you need to know before having a baby

There's been some recent talk over at WHOA MUMMA! about pregnancy and the trend to take glamorous pregnancy portraits to preserve the gorgeous journey that a woman's body goes through. 

It got me thinking about the changes that happen during pregnancy, and the other resulting life changes once your baby is born.

Here's a tongue-in-cheek checklist of 10 things to savour before getting up the duff.

1. Your body is SMOKIN' hot! 

I don't care what dress size you are! Photograph yourself in the nude while your tummy is trim and your boobs don't bow to meet your belly button. In time you'll wistfully mourn your pre-baby body, plus you'll be happy for the photographic evidence to remind your husband of your sexy self once he's traumatized from watching you push a grapefruit out your vajayjay.

2. You're not tired. 

You don't even know tired yet. Sleep-in as much as you can and enjoy post-lunch siestas at your will. More importantly savour every joyous second of cosy, uninterrupted sleep. It may be years before you get to enjoy it again.

3. Have sex on your lounge room floor in the middle of the day. 

Actually do it wherever you want whenever you feel the need, err, arise. Such lust-filled passions will be prevented once there's a very needy and curious baby/toddler/child/teenager roving about.

4. Enjoy your friends and freely socialise with them. 

You'll soon learn who your real friends are. Babies are cute at first but the novelty wears off pretty quickly when they're attached to your boob/hip/leg and your friends can't have you all to themselves anymore. 

Some friends will disappear into the past as your child becomes your number one priority. Other friends will remain the angels they always were and will continue to pick you up through some very tedious days.

5. Appreciate private moments with your husband/partner. 

Enjoy lingering dates together, relaxing holidays in child-unfriendly locations and cherish simple pleasures with him, like breakfast in bed. 

Photograph as many of these moments as possible because soon enough they'll be your only recollection of them happening. You'll be sharing a fleeting coffee together and reminiscing about the glorious days BC (Before Children) as you flip through those wonderful moments in a photobook.

6. Private toileting is under-rated. 

The simple joy of emptying your bowel may never be felt again when a small, high-pitched voice comes out of nowhere to say, 'Remember to wipe from front to back, Mama!' 

Mind you, if you're lucky enough to have a lock on your bathroom door, your daily ablutions may be the only time to yourself you get all day. 

In saying that, it's amazing what bodily functions can be addressed with a sleeping babe in your arms or a clingy child on your lap.

7. Shopping malls are for grown-ups. 

Cherish shopping without a handbag and just the bare essentials in your pockets. 

Enjoy pulling your shoulders back and allowing your hands to swing freely as you quietly browse. 

Walk down cramped aisles in stores and squeeze past crowds in the food court. Soon enough you'll be carrying a handbag/suitcase nappy bag big enough and heavy enough to double as Homer and Lennie's bowling bag. 

And don't even get me started about the limitations of shopping with a pram. You'll certainly discover every elevator in your shopping centre, and walk an extra 50 kms just to get access to your favourite stores, who will give you the hairy eyebrow when your child causes their pretty displays to topple down all over the floor.

8. Go out to dinner. 

Take hours to choose your outfit and patiently do your hair and make-up. Splurge at a three hat restaurant and linger there for hours enjoying the ambiance and delicious food. 

Revel in being able to finish your courses without interruption. Soon enough your dining experiences will begin with pulling on crumpled clothes complete with the fragrance of Eau De Baby-spew, and slapping on some out of date make-up. 

Hair? Who has time for that? You'll hot-tail it to Maccas to get the troops fed and will enjoy a peaceful two minutes sharing a hot apple pie with your beloved before your kids start screaming after an unfortunate, unsupervised incident in the playground.

9. Be spontaneous and enjoy a sense of freedom. 

Wake up and jump in the car and drive wherever you want without preparation. Throw caution to the wind and stay overnight somewhere on a whim. 

Once you have a baby in your life you won't be able to set off on a trip until they've been fed/changed/had a sleep. Then once you start to pack the vast volumes of baby paraphernalia you need to take with you for the two hour trip you'll soon realise it's hardly worth it and settle for watching the world on Discovery Channel.

10. Tell your husband/partner that you love them. 

Write down a list for yourself of why you think they're amazing. When you meet your baby and fall in love with them over the months to come you'll feel a love so pure and intense for your partner and child that you'll wonder what you felt for them before you miraculously brought another human into the world together.


Care to add anymore? Let me know!